Hilarious! And so timely, yesterday my son said he pays $5 + tip to get his groceries delivered and added, “They don’t know that I’d pay 3x that just to never have to enter the store.” You’ve captured this hellscape perfectly!
I love this..( I have a fancy job in a fancy grocery store but hello it’s still a fucking grocery store) and as comprehensive as this post is, there’s so much more. The clothes..the self adornment, the entitlement..the cross-cultural confusion, the ageism, the young-ism…omg it’s glorious. I can barely getting anything done. Loved this
I was so happy to see 👀 this arrive. I had just read Dave Barry and laughed loud enough to wake the household. I swear this slayed me MORE! I have now laughed louder and longer than I did for Dave. That's a profound admission from me. And the entire apartment building is now awake. I appreciate you. Period.
As usual, your gif selection is on point. Then there are so many good lines they make me want to have coffee with you. At the same time, I worry you would scoff at my paramilitary utility reconnaissance and storage equipment or as you civilians call it - P.U.R.S.E. This PURSE may or may not contain gum (of questionable age, but still chewable) writing implements (which can also double as weapons), a strip map of the local grocery store, tissues, SPF 15 chapstick, assorted OTC medicines, and a small notebook for journaling about despair or documenting potential Russian spies while drinking Earl Grey with 1 ground decongestant pill, a glug (yes, this is an acceptable measurement) of creamer, a squirt of Vanilla Crème liquid stevia, and a shot of Flonase. There may also be one hand grenade, but I can neither confirm nor deny that.
Anywho, here are some of my favorite lines:
“They write with the slow dignity of someone signing the Louisiana Purchase.”
He is buying 53 tickets, from 12 different games, with instructions that sound like code from a Cold War submarine.
We all want the magic little rectangle that says our lives can change without us having to network, meditate, or become one of those people who wakes up and drinks lemon water while journaling about abundance.
My card will decline because fraud protection thinks buying chicken and mascara in the same transaction is suspicious.
Great piece...and how 'bout the time spent at the pharmacy line where people who've been getting the same meds since Watergate start asking questions. A lot of questions.
“Now remind me… what does this do again?”
The pharmacist is like:
“…you’ve been alive because of it.”
And they just keep going.
“Can I take it with food?”
“Can I take it without food?”
“What if I think about food?”
“What if I had food yesterday?”
And you're in disbelief along with the growing line behind them…where everyone’s blood pressure…is now higher than theirs. And that’s the irony. They’re holding up a line of people who now need the medication their asking about.
"He is buying 53 tickets, from 12 different games, with instructions that sound like code from a Cold War submarine." Haha! And it's always men. We women are too busy, pragmatic, and cynical for this wonderland shit.
Brilliantly written — I laughed out loud. The self‑checkout chaos, the melting salad, the lottery ticket finale — all so vividly human and hilariously true.
I had an encounter like this not long ago. At the lab- the place you go to do blood work and take a whiz quiz. That day I had a whiz quiz (I passed!) lol… I stood in line for twenty minutes waiting on the guy at the window. The check in window. Geez. I learned his whole health history, why he thinks he should take one test and not another (that doctors ordered) and on and on it went. Three different people at the check in desk telling him the same thing over and over again. Then his damn phone rings…he answered and is having a full blown conversation with the person on the phone while he continues to argue with the check in staff. Holy fuck dude. Read the room. By the time he finally decided to leave, there were 14 people in line behind me and he had ZERO labs done.
This is so funny, and so true.😏. And I’d add the adventures at the “ express checkout- 12 items or less”… the grumpy checkout chick who mortifies the person with 13 items…. Or the person who quickly unloads 367 items, then smiles and says “sorry, didn’t see the sign”.
And what about the person who pays for 1 chilli and a banana with a $100.00 note?Shopping is such fun!🙂.
Hilarious! And so timely, yesterday my son said he pays $5 + tip to get his groceries delivered and added, “They don’t know that I’d pay 3x that just to never have to enter the store.” You’ve captured this hellscape perfectly!
Your son has achieved enlightenment. Some people meditate. Others outsource the produce section.
🤣🤣🤣
The only problem with this is the delivery drivers and personal shoppers make the grocery store experience sooooo much worse for the rest of us.
I love this..( I have a fancy job in a fancy grocery store but hello it’s still a fucking grocery store) and as comprehensive as this post is, there’s so much more. The clothes..the self adornment, the entitlement..the cross-cultural confusion, the ageism, the young-ism…omg it’s glorious. I can barely getting anything done. Loved this
“Fancy job in a fancy grocery store but still a fucking grocery store” belongs on a tote bag sold for an ungodly amount beside the fancy cheese
I was so happy to see 👀 this arrive. I had just read Dave Barry and laughed loud enough to wake the household. I swear this slayed me MORE! I have now laughed louder and longer than I did for Dave. That's a profound admission from me. And the entire apartment building is now awake. I appreciate you. Period.
Thank you ❤️ Michelle.
Being ranked above Dave Barry in household disturbance is now my Pulitzer. Thank you
Oh my god, so funny! And true!
Thank you! Funny and true is my favorite category of public suffering
As usual, your gif selection is on point. Then there are so many good lines they make me want to have coffee with you. At the same time, I worry you would scoff at my paramilitary utility reconnaissance and storage equipment or as you civilians call it - P.U.R.S.E. This PURSE may or may not contain gum (of questionable age, but still chewable) writing implements (which can also double as weapons), a strip map of the local grocery store, tissues, SPF 15 chapstick, assorted OTC medicines, and a small notebook for journaling about despair or documenting potential Russian spies while drinking Earl Grey with 1 ground decongestant pill, a glug (yes, this is an acceptable measurement) of creamer, a squirt of Vanilla Crème liquid stevia, and a shot of Flonase. There may also be one hand grenade, but I can neither confirm nor deny that.
Anywho, here are some of my favorite lines:
“They write with the slow dignity of someone signing the Louisiana Purchase.”
He is buying 53 tickets, from 12 different games, with instructions that sound like code from a Cold War submarine.
We all want the magic little rectangle that says our lives can change without us having to network, meditate, or become one of those people who wakes up and drinks lemon water while journaling about abundance.
My card will decline because fraud protection thinks buying chicken and mascara in the same transaction is suspicious.
So long, and thanks for all the fish, Michelle!
I respect any purse that requires both a grocery store map and plausible deniability about explosives
🔥❤️
😂😂😂👏👏👏
Great piece...and how 'bout the time spent at the pharmacy line where people who've been getting the same meds since Watergate start asking questions. A lot of questions.
“Now remind me… what does this do again?”
The pharmacist is like:
“…you’ve been alive because of it.”
And they just keep going.
“Can I take it with food?”
“Can I take it without food?”
“What if I think about food?”
“What if I had food yesterday?”
And you're in disbelief along with the growing line behind them…where everyone’s blood pressure…is now higher than theirs. And that’s the irony. They’re holding up a line of people who now need the medication their asking about.
The pharmacy line is a whole separate circle of hell. Everyone enters with one prescription and leaves needing seven
😂😂😂🏆🏆🏆 So good. So accurate. Well done.
"He is buying 53 tickets, from 12 different games, with instructions that sound like code from a Cold War submarine." Haha! And it's always men. We women are too busy, pragmatic, and cynical for this wonderland shit.
Women are too busy keeping civilization duct-taped together
lolllll
Brilliantly written — I laughed out loud. The self‑checkout chaos, the melting salad, the lottery ticket finale — all so vividly human and hilariously true.
Brilliant🤗🤗!
This story slays. So funny and full circle. I enjoyed listening allows me the freedom to laugh full body.
Thank you so much, Michele. I fully support laughing with your whole body. The abs deserve to suffer too
Oh. My. God. I was CACKLING while reading this. 🤣🤣🤣
Felt this deep in my bones.
Nice work. 👌
Cackling is the only appropriate response to the grocery store, besides fleeing
Cackling was the first word I used to describe my response too lol! One of those really good, deep laughs over universal truth
I had an encounter like this not long ago. At the lab- the place you go to do blood work and take a whiz quiz. That day I had a whiz quiz (I passed!) lol… I stood in line for twenty minutes waiting on the guy at the window. The check in window. Geez. I learned his whole health history, why he thinks he should take one test and not another (that doctors ordered) and on and on it went. Three different people at the check in desk telling him the same thing over and over again. Then his damn phone rings…he answered and is having a full blown conversation with the person on the phone while he continues to argue with the check in staff. Holy fuck dude. Read the room. By the time he finally decided to leave, there were 14 people in line behind me and he had ZERO labs done.
“Read the room” should be printed on every clipboard in every medical office in America
This is so funny, and so true.😏. And I’d add the adventures at the “ express checkout- 12 items or less”… the grumpy checkout chick who mortifies the person with 13 items…. Or the person who quickly unloads 367 items, then smiles and says “sorry, didn’t see the sign”.
And what about the person who pays for 1 chilli and a banana with a $100.00 note?Shopping is such fun!🙂.
“Sorry, didn’t see the sign” while unloading 367 items is villain behavior. That person knows exactly what they did