I Followed a Life Coach on Instagram and Now My Algorithm Thinks I'm a Men's Rights Activist With a Juicing Problem

One "masculine detox" reel and it's all protein powder and unprocessed rage.

Listen, I can explain how this happened, but you're not going to like it.

It started innocently enough. I was doom-scrolling (as one does when avoiding the crushing weight of adult responsibilities) when this life coach popped up on my feed. She had that whole aesthetic going. You know the one. Beige everything, succulents positioned at precise angles, quotes about manifesting abundance written in that minimalist font that screams "I charge $300 for a PDF worksheet."

Her bio said something like "Helping ambitious women step into their power 💫✨🌙" which should have been my first red flag because anyone who uses that many mystical emojis is definitely selling something that costs more than what I currently have in my bank account.

But here's the thing about my brain: it makes terrible decisions while feeling completely justified about them. So I followed her. Just one innocent little follow. What could go wrong?

Oh, you beautiful fool.

Within 24 hours, my algorithm had decided I was having some sort of existential crisis that could only be solved through self-optimization. Suddenly my entire feed became a hellscape of hustle culture manifestos and people doing cold plunges while explaining how suffering builds character.

But then something weird happened. The algorithm took a hard right turn into what I can only describe as toxic masculinity meets wellness influencer. Apparently, following one life coach who occasionally posted about divine feminine energy triggered some sort of digital overcorrection, and Instagram decided what I really needed was content about reclaiming my masculine essence through juice consumption.

Now my feed is 50% dudes with perfectly groomed beards explaining why modern society has emasculated men, 30% videos of people blending vegetables while talking about "ancestral nutrition," and 20% ads for supplements with names like "Alpha Beast Mode" and "Primal Warrior Stack."

The masculine detox content is kinda unhinged. These guys are out here treating kale like it's some sort of forbidden fruit that the system doesn't want you to know about. They're posting Instagram stories like "Day 32 of my celery cleanse and I can finally see through the matrix of Big Pharma's lies" while flexing in their kitchens next to industrial-sized juicers that probably cost more than my car.

And don't even get me started on the protein powder industrial complex that's invaded my explore page. These influencers are treating whey isolate like it's the secret to unlocking your genetic potential and becoming the alpha male your ancestors intended you to be. They're posting transformation photos like "Before: victim of processed foods and societal conditioning. After: 90 days of grass-fed beef and refusing to apologize for taking up space."

The comment sections are where things get really spicy. It's just dudes agreeing with each other about how modern food is designed to make men weak and compliant. Someone will post a video about making bone broth and the comments turn into a support group for people convinced that soy milk is part of a government conspiracy to eliminate traditional masculinity.

Meanwhile, I'm just trying to find a decent recipe for tasty chia seed pudding without accidentally joining a militia.

The ads have gotten completely out of control. Instagram is now convinced I need testosterone boosters, protein bars, and something called a "masculine morning routine course" that promises to help me reclaim my primal energy through intentional supplementation. I got an ad yesterday for a $400 blender designed for alpha nutrition protocols. The product description used the word "dominate" like ten times.

I tried to fix this by engaging with different content. I liked some plant-based recipe videos, followed a few yoga accounts, even watched a meditation reel about finding inner peace. But apparently, the algorithm read this as me being on some sort of spiritual warrior journey, and now it's showing me content about warrior monks and ancient masculine wisdom.

Yesterday I got a notification that someone had tagged me in a post about how real men make their own kombucha because store-bought fermented beverages contain feminine energy. I don't even know how they found me. I've never posted anything about kombucha. I'm not even sure I know what kombucha is supposed to taste like.

The worst part is that some of this content is confusing my actual interests. I saw a video about making green smoothies and couldn't tell if it was normal health advice or part of some theory about how leafy greens unlock dormant masculine potential. The line between "eating vegetables is good for you" and "eating vegetables will restore your warrior spirit" has become disturbingly blurry.

I've started getting DMs from accounts asking if I want to join their masculine optimization challenge. These guys are sending me meal plans that look like they were designed by someone who thinks seasoning food is a sign of weakness.

So now I'm stuck in this weird algorithmic purgatory where my phone thinks I'm some sort of juice-powered men's rights activist. I can't look up a smoothie recipe without getting bombarded with content about how blending your own vegetables is an act of rebellion against the feminization of modern society.

All because I followed one life coach who probably just wanted to sell me a course about loving myself or whatever.

The moral of this story is that social media algorithms are basically digital quicksand. One wrong move and suddenly you're buried under content about optimizing your testosterone through fruit consumption.

And also, never trust anyone whose bio contains more than two moon emojis.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go unlike everything and start fresh before Instagram tries to sell me a $800 warrior mindset mastermind course.